Phreaky Phriday
by LaLuna
Summary: The classic tale, with a Phantom twist ... Heh heh. FINISHED! Chapters 8 & 9! Again, sorry about the wait, and thanks to all for reading!
1. Dressing like the Prince of Wales

This was sort of a rough idea I had that got written after I read The Lark's "Vendredi Bizarre," and felt inspired. I recommend Lark's story to any Les Mis fan, and hope he'll / she'll forgive this sonewhat non- intentional yet blatant copyright infringement.  
  
Phreaky Phriday  
  
Scene : About a month after she married Raoul, Christine begins to feel a little guilty about leaving Erik and so decides to invite him over for tea one afternoon.  
  
Erik : (To Christine) "... And then after working with the deaf African children in the Congo I took up golf and started working on that 5,000- piece jigsaw puzzle Nadir gave me for Christmas." (Sips tea) "So what have you been doing this past month?"  
  
Christine : (Dumbfounded) "Well, I -" (Raoul enters after a long, hard day of Vicomting.)  
  
Raoul : "Honey, I'm home!" (Hangs up his hat and coat) *whew* "What a day! I tell ya, it's tough being a Vicomte. I need some lovin'! Christine, I -" (Walks into the parlor and sees Christine and Erik) "Gasp! Christine! What's going on here?"  
  
Christine : (Nervously) "Raoul! Uh, now don't get upset! This isn't what it looks like!"  
  
Raoul : (Confused) "You mean you're not sitting here in the parlor having tea and crumpets with the man who had an unhealthy obsession with you and tried to kill me?" (A pause)  
  
Christine : (Slowly) "Okay ... so this is what it looks like."  
  
Raoul : *Gasp* "I knew it! You're cheating on me, aren't you!? You hussy!"  
  
Christine : (Becoming angry) "Now wait just a minute, there! At least let me explain!"  
  
Raoul : "What is it about him that's so appealing to you? His darkly seductive nature? The hypnotic voice? His hideous deformities?" (Buries his face in his hands) "It's not fair! Why, oh why was I cursed with these boyish good looks and this charming smile!?"  
  
Erik : (Incredulous) "Fair!? You want to talk about what's fair? I'll tell you what's fair : How about having to grow up with a mother who resents your very existence? Or having to wear a mask your whole life because you're so incredibly ugly? How about being a 50 - year old VIRGIN for Heaven's sake!!?"  
  
Christine : "I think you both are reading way too much into this ..."  
  
Raoul : (To Erik) "Oh, quit pretending like you've got it so hard! You're livin' the easy life!"  
  
Erik : *Bursts into uncontrollable fits of laughter* "BWAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHHEEEEHEEEHEEEHAHAHAHAhehehohohahaheh ... heh ..." *wipes away tear* "Would you mind explaining to me how you arrived at that conclusion, because I don't seem to be following your logic."  
  
Raoul : "It's very simple. For one thing, you're a genius."  
  
Erik : "This is true ..."  
  
Raoul : "You are also a brilliant composer / musician. AND you can sing, AND you designed a freakin' opera house, which you now have managed to bring under your complete and absolute control, AND you know how to hypnotize Christine and make her do things for you."  
  
Christine : "He does not!"  
  
Erik : *Snaps fingers* "Platypus."  
  
Christine : (Eyes glazing over) "Erik is the sexiest, most handsome, intelligent man alive. I will be his slave until the day I die ..." (Repeats this over and over)  
  
Raoul : "Plus, you met Elvis. Need I say more ...?"  
  
Erik : "Perhaps you're forgetting the little matter of my face."  
  
Raoul : "Yeah ... and ...?"  
  
Erik : "And how it's kind of, what's the word I'm looking for ... FRIGHTENINGLY, HIDEOUSLY, UGLY!!?"  
  
Raoul : "But at least you have a mask."  
  
Erik : "Do you even know how uncomfortable these things are? Not to mention expensive. I don't even want to talk about the insurance coverage."  
  
Raoul : "Yeah, well ... uh ..."  
  
Erik : "And as long as we're on the subject of whose life is harder, we might as well revisit my incredibly painful childhood that now has me paying over 500 bucks a month in therapy bills and prescription medications!" (Scoffs) "I'm sorry, Chagny, but when it comes to the Worst Life Ever Award, I think I get the trophy, hands down."  
  
Raoul : (Sarcastically) "Oh yeah, like it's SO EASY being a Vicomte! Obviously you've never stopped to think about all the disadvantages."  
  
Erik : "Such as ..."  
  
Raoul : "People are constantly hitting you up for money. It's so annoying! I mean, just because I dress like the Prince of Wales doesn't mean I share his monthly income!"  
  
Erik : "I see."  
  
Raoul : "AND I'm always having to do some charity work so I don't look like a heartless snob. And then there's the women ..."  
  
Erik : "Do tell."  
  
Raoul : "What a pain! I can't go anywhere without having some ditzy girl pass out at my feet or "accidentally" spill her drink on me. They're like locusts."  
  
Erik : "Yes, I can see how being surrounded by beautiful women 24/7 can get on one's nerves ..." *ahem*  
  
Raoul : "And when I DID find me a nice girl, I find out she's got some insane, jealous madman for a suitor who lives in a basement and calls himself a ghost while killing people who get in his way! And THEN, as if that wasn't enough, he has the nerve to go and kidnap her right when we were going to elope, so, of course, I have to go down and rescue her or else be branded a coward for the rest of my life, only to be lured into a death trap!"  
  
Erik : "Hey, I'm sorry buddy boy, you walked right into that one. You shoulda seen it coming."  
  
Raoul : "You see? People expect you to be real smart, too! What happens when you're not?"  
  
Erik : (To himself) "I shouldn't ... It's too easy."  
  
Raoul : (Flops down on the couch) "Dang, it's tough being me!"  
  
Erik : "I don't believe it! You are SO self-absorbed!"  
  
Raoul : "Me!? What about you? All I ever heard from Christine was, 'Poor Erik -This,' and 'Poor Erik - That!' Didn't you ever talk about anything but yourself?"  
  
Erik : "Look who's talking! If I ever heard anything non-self-promoting come out of your mouth, I think I'd die of shock! You're the only person I know who could give Carlotta a run for her money."  
  
Raoul : (Prancing around the room, imitating Erik) "Ooh, look at me! I'm a brilliant, masked murderer who sits around all day feeling sorry for himself and dresses like a Goth Poser! I don't even have the guts to sign a note with my real name! Pity me! Pity me!"  
  
Erik : (Also prancing and imitating) "I'm a sissy, idiot pretty-boy who can't carry a tune and wouldn't even remember to breathe if it weren't for Post-It Notes!!"  
  
Christine : (Still trance-like) "Erik is the sexiest, most handsome, intelligent man alive. I will be his slave until the day I die ..."  
  
Raoul : (To Christine) "You stay out of this!"  
  
Erik : (Smugly) "You just can't let her have her own opinion, can you Chagny?"  
  
Raoul : (Enraged) "Arrrggghhh! That's it!" (Lunges for Erik, who steps aside, causing Raoul to crash into a potted plant.) "Ow ..." (Erik then whips out the Punjab lasso and begins chasing Raoul around the room before finally catching him around the neck and stringing him up.)  
  
Erik : "Ha! Watcha gonna do now, huh Vicomte? Christine can't save your little rich behind now!" (Laughs an evil, Erik laugh) "Say goodbye, Chagny!"  
  
Raoul : (Gasping for air) "Goodbye ... Chagny ..." (Just as Erik prepares to finish him off, there is a blinding flash of light which fills the entire room. )  
  
*gasp* The tension mounts! Will Erik finally kill Raoul? Well, seeing as how that wasn't really the plot from the get-go, I wouldn't get my hopes up, Vicomte-Haters. But read on anyway! 


	2. The case of the missing nose

(The two men blink frantically and attempt to adjust their eyes as a little pixie-ish women comes into view.)  
  
Pixie : "Wow, looks like I got here just in time."  
  
Erik : "What the hell is going on here!? Who the devil are you?"  
  
Pixie : (Dusting herself off) "The name's Phoebe. I'm a professional pixie and wish-granter."  
  
Erik : "Okay ..."  
  
Phoebe : "And I'm here to complete an assignment. Step aside, please." (Erik, dumbfounded, scurries into a far corner of the room as Phoebe releases Raoul from the Punjab lasso.)  
  
Raoul : (Still slightly blue) "Thanks ... Er, am I dead?"  
  
Phoebe : "Of course not, don't be stupid! Do I look like St. Peter to you?" (She receives blank stares) "Okay then ... As I said, I'm here to complete an assignment. In case you couldn't tell, I'm a pixie, and as stated in the Mystical Creature's Handbook, every pixie must earn his or her wings by performing a series of difficult tasks. This spell that I'm about to cast will be my final one! Don't you feel lucky?" (More blank stares) "Yeah, that's the spirit!"  
  
Erik : "Wait, wait, wait, just a minute here! What are you talking about? What spell?"  
  
Phoebe : "The one that I'm about to cast? I have it here on the assignment sheet, if you want to see it." (Hands piece of paper to Erik, who studies it for all of 3 seconds before crumpling it up and throwing it to the ground) "Hey! Watch it, pal! That's expensive company property you're crumpling there!"  
  
Erik : (To Raoul) "Okay, okay, very funny, Victome, but I think you can stop now. The joke's really kind of wearing thin."  
  
Raoul : (Very confused) "Huh?"  
  
Phoebe : "No, I don't think you understand -"  
  
Erik : (Cutting in) "I have to give you some credit, though, I suppose. I didn't think your puny little brain was capable of something like this." (Studies Phoebe intently) "How much did you have to pay this kid, anyway? She's not a prostitute, is she?"  
  
Phoebe : "Oh, that does it!" (Waves her wand menacingly in Erik's general direction)  
  
Erik : (Obviously unimpressed) "Uh-huh, that's real cute. But do you mind? I was kind of in the middle of something here and -" (Stops, and notices that Raoul is staring in utter horror at his feet. He looks down and gasps) "My feet! They're ... they're ..."  
  
Raoul : (Recovering) "... Flippers ...?"  
  
Phoebe : "Say you're sorry and I'll change 'em back."  
  
Erik : "Bu - I mean ... You just - But she isn't ... Are you ...? And then he ... And you ... And my feet, they're ... But it's just so ... I mean it's ... At least I don't think ... That is to say -"  
  
Phoebe : *sigh* "Close enough." (Waves wand again, returning Erik's feet to their original form)  
  
Erik : (Blinking in disbelief) "How did you do that?"  
  
Phoebe : (Rolling her eyes) "Look, maybe someday when I have time I'll explain it to you, but for now I'd really like to get this spell underway." (A pause, as she surveys the room) "Okay, Roger, I need you to stand over there."  
  
Raoul : "Raoul."  
  
Phoebe : "Whatever."  
  
Erik : "You used mirrors, right? I bet that's how you did it! All great magicians use mirrors. Anyway, I should know ... *ahem*"  
  
Phoebe : "No, I did not use mirrors! And I'm not a magician. Now pipe down or I'll turn you into a mime." (Erik quickly presses his lips together in an unhappy silence) "Okay, I think everything's all set. Are you guys ready?" (Raoul nods absent-mindedly. Erik suddenly looks confused but unwilling to open his mouth again.) "One ... Two ..." (Raises wand professionally)  
  
Erik : (Unable to control himself) "Wait! You never told us what you were going to -"  
  
Phoebe : "Three!" (After a quick flick of her wrist, she smiles contentedly and tucks the wand into her belt loop. Erik blinks rapidly)  
  
Erik : "... So, that's it?"  
  
Phoebe : (Busily scribbling something onto a clipboard) "Yup."  
  
Erik : "No puffs of smoke? No glitter? No blinding flashes of light and fanfare music? Just what kind of a magician are you, anyway? You wouldn't last a week in Vegas, I can tell you that much."  
  
Phoebe : "Thank heaven for that. And I am NOT a magician. I'm a professional Pixie and Wish-Granter, who just earned her wings."  
  
Raoul : "Cool! Can we have a party?"  
  
Erik : "But what did you do? I don't see any evidence of any sort of spell anywhere!" (Folds his arms across his chest) "I still say this is all some sort of tiresome joke."  
  
Phoebe : "Oh really?" (Smirks) "Well why don't you take a look in that mirror over there and then tell me what you think?" (Erik stares at her quizzically and looks as though he's about to say something, when he is interrupted by Raoul, who has been attempting to blow his nose.)  
  
Raoul : "AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!"  
  
Erik : (Jumping 2 feet in the air) "What the hell is wrong with you, Vicomte!? Are you trying to give me my second heart-attack?"  
  
Raoul : "MY NOSE!! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY NOSE!!?"  
  
Erik : "What are you talking about? What do you mean -" (Turns around and sees Raoul) "AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!" (Looks down at his clothing) "AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!"  
  
Raoul and Erik : (Staring directly at each other, a la "Home Alone") "AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!"  
  
Phoebe : "I think I'm going to need something stronger than Advil ..."  
  
Erik : "What did you do? What did you do!? Why do I look like him!?"  
  
Raoul : "More importantly, why do I look like HIM!?"  
  
Phoebe : "Because that's the spell. Every pixie, to earn his or her wings, must complete an incredibly difficult assignment as their final task. My superiors, after having observed you two for several months, concluded that it would be a most difficult task indeed to put you both in the other's shoes, so to speak. Therefore, I was told to cast a spell that would have you switch places for all of 24 hours and to document the results. Truthfully, I don't really think it's that hard an assignment. I think it was thought up mainly for their amusment. We don't get cable over there, you see, so good entertainment is hard to come by."  
  
Raoul : (Lunging for Phoebe) "Change us back, you twisted little water nymph! I don't wanna be ugly! You hear me? I don't wanna be ugly!!"  
  
Erik : "It would be a terrible tragedy for him, you know. His looks are all he has."  
  
Raoul : (Dissolving into tears) "WAAAAHHHH!! It's TRUE!"  
  
Erik : "On the other hand, I've never been handsome before. Too bad I have to be in Chagny's body. Now everybody's going to think I'm him." *shudder*  
  
Phoebe : "But it's not about being handsome or ugly! It's about learning things about one another that you never knew before, and accepting your adversary as a person."  
  
Raoul : *sniffle* "It is?"  
  
Phoebe : *shrugs* "I dunno. That's just what it says here on my assignment sheet. Now, I'll be back at the same time tomorrow to reverse the spell. Do you have any questions?"  
  
Erik : "Yes. Can you do something about her?" (Gestures toward Christine, who is still in her hypnotic trance.)  
  
Phoebe : "No problem." (Claps her hands three times and disappears)  
  
Christine : "Erik is the ... uh ... What was I saying ...?" (Turns to stare at Raoul) "What's wrong, Erik? You look so sad."  
  
Raoul : "WAAAHHHHHH!" (Covers his face with his hands and runs out of the room.)  
  
Christine : "Um, okay. Never seen Erik do that before." (Turns to Erik) "So do you think you can forgive me for inviting Erik over, Raoul?"  
  
Erik : "Only if you promise to never call me that again."  
  
Christine : "Well ... What should I call you?"  
  
Erik : "Darling, Honey, Love-Button, but never, ever Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny."  
  
Christine : *shrugs* "Okay. I only wanted you two to be friends, you know." (Sighs and puts her arms around his neck) "I still do." (Erik sighs euphorically) "I mean, just because he kidnapped me and tried to kill you, doesn't mean that we can't have him over for tea every now and then. I'll bet he even starts to grow on you. You know, once you get past the hideous features and compulsive murdering, he's really just like you and me, only brilliant ... Darling? Darling? Are you listening to me?"  
  
Erik : "Yes Christine ..." *snaps fingers* "Platypus."  
  
Christine : (Eyes glazing over) "Erik is the sexiest, most handsome, intelligent man alive. I will be his slave until the day I die ..."  
  
Erik : (Grins sardonically) "This is going to be fun."  
  
Is Erik right? Stay tuned to find out! (Note to Self : Stop with the hokey television announcer stuff) 


	3. Be afraid Be very afraid Please?

Phreaky Phriday  
  
DISCLAIMER : Yes, I know I forgot to mention this earlier. I apologize profusely. *ahem* I do not own any of the characters herein, except for Phoebe and Laurette. All others I have simple "borrowed" and will return them whenever I feel like it. So don't hold your breath.  
  
(Raoul, still sniffling through his non-existant nose, walks hurredly down the street, unaware of where he's going. As he does so, several people stop and stare quizzically at him)  
  
Raoul : "What? What're you all staring at?" (The random gawkers disperse in fear) "Oh yeah, the mask ..." (Stops to think before draping the front part of the cloak over his head, which, of course, only makes him even more conspicuous . After about 2 minutes of this, he runs into a bread display.) "Ow! Dammit!" (Diving to pick up the scattered merchandise.) "Uh, sorry ... Sorry ... My bad ..." (Scurries away, trying to be nonchalant.) "No wonder Erik never leaves the Opera house. Maybe I should hide out there for awhile, just to be safe." (Brightens at the idea) "Hey, yeah! I'll finally get to see what it's like to be Erik!" (Rubs his hands together, gleefully) "Power ... Complete and utter power!" (Attempts an Erik -type laugh, but ends up choking instead) "Mwahahahaaaack coughcough - ack! *ahem* I, uh, guess I'll have to work on that ..." (Bows his head and walks briskly in the direction of the Opera.)  
  
[Later, in Christine's old dressing room ...]  
  
Raoul : (Attempting to break down the door) *mmpphh* "Stupid door ... I don't remember it being locked." (Bursts into the room, cracking open the lock) "Doesn't anybody trust anybody anymore?" (He adjusts the mask and scans the room briefly before locating the mirror) "Aha! That's how Erik got into Christine's room. I bet it takes me right into his house!" (Walks towards the mirror and is about to push on it when suddenly, a voice is heard from down the hall)  
  
Voice : "Why the hell did they have to move me all the way back here? As if my feet weren't already in enough pain ..." (Rattles the doorknob)  
  
Raoul : "Yipe!" (Begins frantically banging on the mirror)  
  
Voice : "What the -? Hey, somebody broke in!" (Raoul throws his weight against the mirror and dives behind it just as Meg enters the room.)  
  
Meg : *gasp* "I hope they didn't take my collection of rare masks belonging to murderous, enigmatic theatre ghosts!" (Dives beneath the bed)  
  
Raoul : (From behind the mirror) "Heh heh ... At last, some real fun!" (Makes his voice deep and intoxicating) "Meg ... Meg Giry ..."  
  
Meg : (Sits bolt upright and bangs her head) "OW! Dammitmothersonofa ..." (Emerges from under the bed) "Who said that?"  
  
Raoul : "I did ... I am the Opera Ghost - No, wait! You didn't hear that, okay? Forget you heard anything! *ahem* What I meant was : I am the ... um, Teacher of Music ...? No, that's not it ... Devine Personification of Music ...? A Physical Manifestatation of Your Dead ... uh ... Damn, now I wish I had actually listened to Christine and that crackpot father of her's!"  
  
Meg : (Approaching the mirror) "Save it. I don't care who you are or what you're selling. Just get out of my mirror and out of my dressing room."  
  
Raoul : "But aren't you scared or confused or ecstatic or something?"  
  
Meg : "Well, I am getting a little hungry."  
  
Raoul : "Er, that's not quite the same thing ..." (A pause)  
  
Meg : "Did you want something?"  
  
Raoul : (sigh) "I thought you were afraid of ghosts."  
  
Meg : "You're a ghost?"  
  
Raoul : "Not just any ghost. I am THE Ghost. The Phantom of the Opera. The Big Guy. Master of all Your Fates. The Shiznit. Head Honcho, the Big Kahuna! I hold this building in the palm of my hand, and everyone here is my puppet. I do what I want, when I want, where I want. In fact, I could kill you now and nobody would ever know." (A satisfied pause)  
  
Meg : "I see ... Well, I'm sorry, but I decided a while back to stop fearing silly things like murders and ghosts. It's a terrible strain on the vocal chords."  
  
Raoul : "Hm ... This does present a bit of a problem ... Do you know of any other ballet rats who might be afraid of me?"  
  
Meg : "Well ... Laurette's a pretty big chicken."  
  
Raoul : "And where would I find her?"  
  
Meg : "Rehearsal. With Mom."  
  
Raoul : "Laurette. Rehearsal. Chicken. Got it. Thanks."  
  
Meg : "No prob." (A pause) "Uh, is there anything else I can help you with?"  
  
Raoul : "I don't suppose you would mind *ahem* introducing me?"  
  
Meg : (Skeptically) "I dunno ..."  
  
Raoul : "Please? For old time's sake? You used to be so good at it!"  
  
Meg : "Well ... okay! But only because you make a good point." (Takes a few deep breaths, puts on an expression of complete and utter horror, and runs screaming out into the auditorium.) "AAAAIIIEEEEEEEE! HE'S BACK! THE GHOST IS BACK! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" (Instantly, people emerge from various corners of the building to join in the fainting, hyperventilating and shrieking)  
  
Ballet Girls and Random Stage Hands : "He's here, the Phantom of the Opera! / The Ghost! The Ghost is back! / Everyone keep your hand at the level of your eyes! / etc." (Jammes faints dead away)  
  
Meg : (Poking her with a stick) "Now cut that out! You're always upstaging me! It's my turn to faint, and you know it!" (Also faints)  
  
Raoul : (Grinning devilishly) "Perfect ..." (Steps out of the mirror and calmly walks to the sound booth, where he surveys the scene before him) "Man, this is great! These people are going nuts and I haven't even done anything yet! Simply mentioning Erik's name is enough to cause at least 20 minutes of complete panic!" (Shakes head) "That guy does not know how good he has it." (Carlotta enters the auditorium)  
  
Carlotta : "What is all this? What is going on here?"  
  
Random People : "The Ghost! The Ghost! He's with us, The Phantom!"  
  
Carlotta : "What!?" (Staggers up to center stage) "Oh, it is him! The vile being who killed my beloved Ubaldo!" (Weeps melodramatically and raises a fist to the air) "Have you come for me too, cruel murderer! Oh, padre mio!" (Begins spouting Italian)  
  
Raoul : "I'd better put a stop to this." (Yells into a microphone-type thing) "NOW HEAR THIS!" (Everyone freezes) "I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OPERA GHOST AND YOU ARE ALL MY PUPPETS! YOUR LIVES REST IN THE PALM OF MY BEAUTIFULLY ELONGATED, ARTICULATE HAND! SUBMIT OR A DISASTER BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION WILL OCCUR!"  
  
Meg : (Yelling up to the booth) "What do you want us to do!?"  
  
Raoul : (To himself) "Dang, I can't scare them when they all know I'm up here! UH ... I WILL LET YOU KNOW ... WHEN I THINK OF IT! UNTIL THEN ... BEWARE!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAACCCKK -cough,cough, ack! Stupid dust bunny! *hem, ahem* UH, THAT IS ALL!" (Everyone shrugs and goes back to what they were doing. 10 minutes later, Andre and Firmin enter carrying several paper bags bearing the words, "Bagels, To-Go!")  
  
Firmin : "Okay, we're back!"  
  
Giry : "Took you long enough! I'm about ready to eat my own arm. Did you get the coffee?"  
  
Andre : "Hey, you didn't see the line in there! Next time, you lazy bums can get your own stupid bagels." (Opens one of the bags and begins rummaging through it) "Who had the toasted poppy-seed with cinnamon and cream cheese?"  
  
Meg : "I did. Did they have any NutraSweet?"  
  
Raoul's Voice : (Booming throughout the auditorium) "BEWARE!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA! I'M HERE, I'M HERE, I'M -" (Suddenly, 'The Coconuts Song' begins to randomly play)  
  
Music : "I've got a lov-a-lee bunch of coconuts, dee da lee dee! See them all a-standing in a row! Bum, bum, bum ..."  
  
Raoul : "WHAT THE -? HEY, THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! WHERE'S MY SCARY MUSIC!?"  
  
Music : "... Big ones ..."  
  
Raoul : "HOW DO I SHUT IT OFF!?"  
  
Music : "... Small ones ..."  
  
Raoul : "STUPID MACHINE!!"  
  
Music : "... Some as big as your head!"  
  
Raoul : "AHA! A CROWBAR!" (Loud crashing noises and sounds of circuits being shorted are heard from the sound booth, followed by heaving breathing and muttered profanities) *GASP, WHEEZE* .... "UH, ARE YOU GUYS SCARED, YET?"  
  
Meg : "Did you want us to be?"  
  
Raoul : *Grumblegrumble* "OH, NEVER MIND!!" (A pause) "HEY, ARE YOU GUYS GONNA EAT THAT LAST CINNAMON RAISIN BAGEL, OR WHAT?"  
  
Firmin : (To Mme Giry) "What's this all about?"  
  
Giry : (shrugs) "Got me. Apparently the Ghost is back."  
  
Andre : "And you don't have any mysterious admonitions or strange, half- truths to let linger in the air before you randomly evaporate into the wall?"  
  
Giry : "Nah. I kinda gave up on those. I guess I just don't see the point in being enigmatically superstitious anymore."  
  
Meg : (Chewing a bagel) "Yeah, daytime television will do that to you."  
  
Firmin : "Whatever. As long as we don't get any more stupid little notes." (A paper airplane suddenly floats down from somewhere above them. Firmin picks it and reads it aloud) "'MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! BEWARE!!!!! Love, O.G. ... P.S. How come I didn't get a bagel?'"  
  
[Later, in the Phantom's Lair ...]  
  
Raoul : (Entering) "Man, I thought I'd never make it down here. You'd think he'd have a map or something ..." (Scans the room and notices the organ) "Ooh, that looks like fun!" (Sits and begins to randomly bang on the keys) "La la la laaaa! Do re mi fa so ...!" (Frowns thoughfully and stares at the blank sheets of paper resting on the stand in front of him) "Hmmm ... I suppose I could write an opera ... Except I don't really know how to do that ..." (Abandons the organ and decides to explore the rest of the lair, starting with Erik's bookshelf) "Wow ... Look at all these books! No wonder Erik knows everything about everything. He must read a lot. I guess that's cause he's got so much time on his hands, what with him being a freak and a hermit-man and all." (Takes a book off the shelf) "Shhha ... Shhhak-es ... Shak-es-pear-y ... Shak-es-peary? Who the heck is Shak-es-peary?" (Flips through the pages) "And why doesn't he have any pictures in his book? How are people supposed to follow the story?" (A pause, as he struggles to read the miniscule print)  
  
"'But soft; What light through y-yon-der window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun ...?'" (Another pause) "Hm. Must be Science Fiction or something." (Sets the book down on a table and sighs) "This place isn't nearly as fun as I thought it was going to be. I can't get anyone to be afraid of me, there are rats everywhere, I don't know how to play the organ, it's dark, it's cold, and the books don't have any pictures! Plus, I'm all alone." (Suddenly, Ayesha appears out of nowhere, jumping from the top of the bookshelf onto Raoul's head) "Aaaaiiiiieeee! Demon kitty! Demon kitty! Get it off!" (Races around the lair, his arms wind-milling at incredible speeds, before tripping over the divan and landing face first onto a cushion) "OW! Uh ..." (Jumps up and notices Ayesha on the floor, looking slightly rattled. He slowly backs into a corner) "Nice kitty ... Good kitty ... It's me, Erik ... Your master ...?" (Reaches the wall and begins fumbling around for something to throw. He accidentally flips the lock that opens the door to Christine's room. The panel gives way, causing Raoul to fall backward into the room, where he shuts the door behind him.)  
  
*phew* "That was close. I should've known Erik's cat would be blood-thirsty and demonic." (Scans the area around him) "Wow. This is pretty swanky- looking. For a cold-blooded murderer, he really has impeccable taste." (Examines the dresses hanging in a nearby wardrobe suspciously) "A little ... too impeccable ..." (Raises an eyebrow) "Huh! And they call me a fop!" (As his eyes come to rest on the dressing table mirror, an idea suddenly dawns on him) "Hey, yeah! That's what I'll do to spice things up a bit! I don't know why I didn't think of it before ..."  
  
Uh-oh. What is Raoul up to now? And how is Erik doing with Christine? Stay tuned ... 


	4. Abstinence and other disappointments

Phreaky Phriday  
  
(Scene : Erik, bored with hypnotizing Christine, has decided to resume their afternoon tea in an attempt to fill the absent Vicomte's shoes. Only better.)  
  
Erik : "So, uh, what did you do today, darling?"  
  
Christine : (Thinks) "Well ... I found a dust bunny."  
  
Erik : *blinks* "You what?"  
  
Christine : (Proudly) "I found a dust bunny. I was looking for my shoe under the divan this morning and there he was! So cute and all alone ... So I picked him up and named him George." (Pauses to sip some tea) "I was going to name him Erik, but then I thought that the name might spark some strange psychological rivalry between you two, so I decided best to let sleeping dogs lie and call him George."  
  
Erik : "Um, dearest, you do know that dust bunnies are not actual rabbits, but rather small collections of dust and dirt particles."  
  
Christine : (Looks thoughtful and a little surprised) "Really! Maybe that's why the chamber maid had a conniption fit and swept him out the door when I brought him up to our room." (sighs) "I loose more dust bunnies that way." (A pause)  
  
Erik : "Er, uh ..." (Pushes his teacup away uncomfortably) "What should we do now, my dear? Shall I read to you from one of our favorite books?" (Stands and scans the library in he parlor) "What an impressive collection he ... um, we have." *ahem*  
  
Christine : "Oh, Raoul, you're too much sometimes! You can't read any of those! The words are too small, and besides, there are hardly any pictures. It's all philosophy and science anyway; nothing really interesting."  
  
Erik : (Sputtering) "But ... But I -"  
  
Christine : "Besides. It's friday evening, and we always go for our stroll in the park on friday evenings." (Erik glances longingly at the bookshelf, then at Christine, then back at the books)  
  
Erik : (Muttering to himself) "I hate for anyone to think I'm an illiterate fop. Especially Christine ... But it would be a nice change to take her out in the daylight and not have people run away screaming ..."  
  
Christine : (Smiling patiently) "Raoul, sweetie, we've been through this. It's okay for you to talk to your imaginary friends, as long as you know they're not really there."  
  
Erik : (Confused) "Huh ...? I mean, uh, oh yes. Right. Shall we go then, darling?" (Christine smiles and takes his hand. They leave)  
  
(3 Hours later ...)  
  
Christine : "What a lovely evening this was, Raoul! Thank you for taking me out to dinner. I can't remember the last time we were alone together ... Oh wait, yes I can. It was last evening at dinner!" (Giggles) "Silly me."  
  
Erik : (A little perturbed by her obvious blonde-ness) "Um, yes ... heh ... heh ..."  
  
Christine : "Anyway, it's all been just delightful, but I'm so very tired. I think it's time I went to bed."  
  
Erik : "Yes!" (Does a little happy dance, completely out of character, then follows Christine up the stairs. They stop outside a door.)  
  
Christine : "Well, goodnight Raoul."  
  
Erik : (Slightly confused) "Um, are we sleeping in the hallway tonight?"  
  
Christine : (More giggling) "Of course not, don't be ridiculous! You're sleeping in your room, and I'm sleeping in mine. Why would any of that change?"  
  
Erik : (Disbelieving) "Wait, wait, wait just a minute there ... What did you say?"  
  
Christine : (Giggles again) "Of course not, don't be ridiculous! You're sleeping in -"  
  
Erik : (Cutting in) "No, not that part. The other part. About my room and your room."  
  
Christine : "What about it?"  
  
Erik : "You were referring 'our room' merely in a separate possesive sense, right ...?"  
  
Christine : (Tsks her tongue) "I really have no idea what you're talking about, Raoul. I meant what I said; this is my room, right here, where I intend to sleep tonight, and that is your room right over there. I don't see what's so hard about all this."  
  
Erik : (Incredulous) "We don't sleep in the same room ...?"  
  
Christine : "I don't understand why you sound so surprised! It's not like this is anything new."  
  
Erik : (Almost shouting) "We don't sleep in the same room!?!? What do you mean we don't sleep in the same room!? We're married, aren't we?"  
  
Christine : "Well, yes, in the eyes of God and all that, but I always felt this was for the best, at least until we decide to have a family."  
  
Erik : "WHY!? For the love of all things holy, WHY!?"  
  
Christine : "Well why do you think, Casanova? I wasn't respected for my purity simply because I wore white all the time. I have a reputation to uphold. What do you think the neighbors would say if they knew we were ..." (Lowers her voice surruptitiously) "... sleeping together?"  
  
Erik : "They'd probably say, 'There goes the Vicomte de Chagny and his WIFE, who are most likely sleeping in the same bedroom because that's what NORMAL, MARRIED PEOPLE IN OUR CULTURE TEND TO DO!!!"  
  
Christine : "You don't have to shout. I'm standing right here."  
  
Erik : "So let me get this straight : You and I, even though we've been happily married for a substantial amount of time, do not sleep in the same room simply because you're afraid of 'ruining your reputation?' If it bothers you that much, why'd you even get married?"  
  
Christine : "Silly dear. Because I love you and want to share my life with you."  
  
Erik : "Just not a pillow."  
  
Christine : "I'm so glad you understand!" (Kisses his cheek) "Goodnight, Raoul." (She opens the door and disappears, leaving him standing, shocked and alone in the hallway)  
  
Erik : "Bu ... But I ... I was so close ... So close ..." (The chambermaid passes by. He turns to her, desperately) "I was gonna score!!"  
  
Chambermaid : "No you weren't."  
  
Erik : "Oh wasn't I?" (Reaches for his Punjab lasso, then remembers who he is and sighs) "I think I'm going to cry ..." (Inhales deeply and stalks rigidly down the hall to his room, slamming the door behind him) "Damn! I don't remember Christine being like this! She's so ditzy and innocent and ... and ... oblivious! It's like I'm talking to a Care Bear! Everything she says is nothing but marshmallow fluff! I had no idea she and the fop weren't sharing a room ... Not that I wanted them to in the first place ..." (Brightens) "Which means, technically, I haven't lost yet! And I might still have a chance to win her back!" (Rubs his fingers together and grins, a la "Mr. Burns") "Excellent ..." (Dashes to the closet and begins rummaging through Raoul's clothes) "Marriage vows can always be broken, but if I know anything about the Facts of Life it's that once you - What is all this junk!? Doesn't he own ANYTHING black? Crushed velvet robes, satin shirts, a FEZZ?" (A pause) "Aha! Here we go!" (Emerges, wearing dark purple, silk pajamas and slippers. He throws on a matching robe, slicks his hair back, and studies himself in the full-length mirror) "I never thought I'd say this, but it's good to be me. With my dark and seductive nature and the Vicomte's good lucks, she'll be mine before you can say, 'Don Juan Triumphant!'" (Twirls his robe around him, as though it were a cape, and laughs appropriately, before leaping out of the window onto the balcony and running across the roof to Christine's window. He pushes it open and silently glides in, knocking over a vase in the process)  
  
Vase : *smash*  
  
Erik : "Damn!"  
  
Christine : (Rubbing her eyes, sleepily) "Huh ...? Who's there ...?"  
  
Erik : "Uh ... um ..." (Thinks fast) "No one, Christine. Go back to sleep. I will sing you a lullaby." (Inhales and prepares to soothe his love with some haunting melody, but instead makes a noise that resembles a baby duck. Startled, he pauses a moment before clearing his throat and trying once again to make music.) "Ahhhhh ..." (His voice falters as he struggles to find the right pitch. Think : Lucille Ball) "Ahhhhoooohhhhhuuuuhhhhheeeeehhhhhggaaaahh!" (Whispering to himself) "What's wrong with me!? This doesn't sound like my voice at all! It's like I ... have ... someone else's ... voice ..." (It dawns on him) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
Christine : (Sitting up and lighting a candle) "Raoul!? For goodness's sakes, what are you doing in here? You're going to wake up the entire neighborhood!"  
  
Erik : (Yelling to no one in particular) "YOU CHANGE US BACK RIGHT NOW, FAIRY LADY!! YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE HOW STUNNINGLY HANDSOME I AM, I CAN'T EXIST AS A HUMAN BEING WITHOUT MY HEAVENLY VOICE!!"  
  
Christine : "Oh, how nice! You're finally wearing the purple silk pajamas I bought for you! How do they fit?"  
  
Erik : "Wha - huh? Purple?" (Looks down at them) "What are you talking about? These are black!"  
  
Christine : "No dear, I'm quite certain they're dark purple. I remember the salesman commenting on what a statement a man could make in purple silk pajamas!"  
  
Erik : "I can only imagine what that statement might be ..."  
  
Christine : "They do look cute!"  
  
Erik : "Cute? Cute!? I'm a tone-deaf Ken doll in dark purple silk pajamas with a fezz in his closet and his wife in a separate bedroom, and I'm CUTE!! Well, great! That's just great! Those are exactly the words I long to hear from the woman I've desired on so many levels for an excruciatingly long period of time until I thought I was going to explode from the pain of unrequited love :" (Exentuates each word by jumping up and down on the bed) "DARLING, YOU LOOK CUTE!! Well that does it!" (Heads towards the door)  
  
Christine : "Where are you going?"  
  
Erik : "The liquor cabinet. No human in their right mind could go through what I've just experienced without the assistance of a good, stiff drink."  
  
Christine : *shrugs* "'K, then. G'night." (Passes out and immedietely begins snoring loudly. Erik grumbles a string of profanities under his breath before stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind him.)  
  
(Scene 2 : The next morning ...)  
  
(Erik is passed out on a couch in one of the many rooms somwhere, surrounded by a variety of bottles and shot glasses. Just then, Christine enters looking bright eyed and bushy tailed)  
  
Christine : (Opening the curtains so the sunlight streams in and hits Erik square in the eye) "Good morning, sleepy head! Time to wake up!"  
  
Erik : *Unintelligible grunting*  
  
Christine : "That's the spirit! C'mon, up and at 'em! You'll be late for work!"  
  
Erik : (Trying to stop the room from spinning) "Work? What're you talking about? The Vicomte doesn't work."  
  
Christine : "Honey, Dr. Marvin told you to stop referring to yourself in the third person. It's just confusing. And yes, of couse you work! What do you mean, what am I talking about?"  
  
Erik : "What does he ... I mean, What do I do?"  
  
Christine : (Putting a hand on his forehead, sympathetically) "Oh dear, you must have really had a lot to drink last night." (Shakes her head) "Don't worry, darling, a little orange juice and some castor oil will get your memory jogging in no time! C'mon, off to the kitchen with you!"  
  
Erik : (Confused) "Bu - But I ..." (Christine takes him by the hand and shoves him out into the hallway.)  
  
Christine : (Walking towards the window) "Raoul sure has been behaving strangely lately ... I wonder what could be -" (Something catches her eye on the windowsill) "Ooohh! A dust bunny ...!"  
  
More to come ... 


	5. It's all about the moichandising

Phreaky Phriday  
  
(Scene : After three cold showers, several forced doses of castor oil, and a refreshing glass of orange juice, Erik is sent to the Opera house by Christine to perform his daily duties as Vicomte / Patron)  
  
Erik : (Standing in the lobby) "Well, at least now I can wander around up here without anyone fainting or calling the police or something." (Straightens up) "Finally! I can be the proper master this domain deserves! Daytime inhabitants of the Paris Opera : Prepare yourselves for the Real Erik!" (Struts into the auditorium, where rehearsals for the Opera's latest production are taking place)  
  
New Lead Tenor : "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to ... uh ... line?"  
  
Reyer : (Throwing libretto down on the ground) "Love!! Love! Love! Love! How many times do we have to tell you this, Francisco? It's really not that complicated!"  
  
Andre : (Watching with Firmin from the house) "Whose idea was it to do 'Moulin Rouge,' anyway?"  
  
Firmin : "Their's." (Gestures towards a group of Bohemians, who smile and wave at Andre and Firmin) "They said it would be great for business."  
  
Giry : (Walking on from backstage) "Let's just move it ahead to the Dance of the Green Fairies."  
  
Carlotta : (Also walking on) "What!? But you're skipping all my scenes!! Look, I've even got on my costume!" (Everyone stares at Carlotta sporting a rather revealing can-can dancer outfit. Think : A very large Liza Minelli in 'Cabaret.')  
  
Giry : (Trying desparately not to be ill) "Yes, we're definitely skipping to the Dance of the Green Fairies. They may need some serious practice, but at least the ballet girls fit into their costumes."  
  
Reyer : (Glancing backstage) "Well, sort of ..."  
  
Ballet Girls' Voices : (From behind the curtain) "Pull it tighter! / That's as tight as it'll go, Jammes! / Man, they just don't make corsets like they used to / Who used all the pins!? / etc."  
  
Erik : (Approaching the stage) "Um ..." *ahem*  
  
Andre : (Turning to face him) "Ah! My dear Vicomte de Chagny! You're right on time! As you can see, we were just rehearsing for our next production." (The dance begins)  
  
Erik : "Uh, what is this?"  
  
Firmin : "'Moulin Rouge,' don't you remember? You thought it was a great idea the last time you were here."  
  
Erik : "He did!? Uh ... I did? I mean ... I did! I did ... heh ... heh ..."  
  
Andre : (Eyeing him strangely) "Yes, you did. Is there a problem, Monsieur?"  
  
Erik : "Well ... no .... It's just that ... I've been thinking and ..." (Andre and Firmin burst into peals of laughter)  
  
Andre : "Isn't that cute, Firmin? He's been thinking!"  
  
Firmin : (Patting Erik, in a patronizing fashion) "It's getting easier for you, is it?"  
  
Erik : (Becoming angry) "Yes, well ... What I meant was, I think perhaps it would be better if we did something a little more traditional than this."  
  
Andre : "Really? What did you have in mind?"  
  
Erik : "Well I've always been partial to 'Faust,' but there are, of course, many other -" (More laughter from Andre and Firmin)  
  
Firmin : (Wiping away a tear) "Oh, my ... Isn't that funny! He's talking like he really knows something about 'Faust!'"  
  
Andre : "How perfectly amusing! Imagine, Firmin; a patron who actually knows about opera!" (Another round of laughter. Erik, remembering that he still does not have his Punjab lasso, breathes deeply and slowly counts to ten before continuing)  
  
Erik : "If you gentlemen would kindly stop all this nonsense and listen, I'm sure I could convince you that there are many other productions that would be much more appropriate for us to consider." (A brief pause.) "Uh, besides, I don't think the Opera Ghost would appreciate all this, and we certainly wouldn't want to upset him again!"  
  
Firmin : "The Opera what?"  
  
Erik : "The Opera Ghost! The Opera Ghost! You remember! That incredibly gifted and talented yet very short-tempered genuis who built this place and doesn't particularly like being disobeyed?"  
  
Andre : "I don't think we ... Oh yes, yes! Now I know who you're talking about! That crazy guy who kept sending us junk mail and kidnapping our prima donnas! He was shouting at us this morning from the sound booth, remember Firmin? Don't forget to get him a bagel next time."  
  
Firmin : "Oh, yes, we certainly remember him! Wonderful for business, he was. Can't thank him enough!"  
  
Erik : "What're you talking about?"  
  
Andre : "Ever since that whole incident with the chandelier and Christine Daae and all that, people have been flocking to our performances hoping that they might get a glimpse of him or fall victim to one of his practical jokes! We've been sold out for months!"  
  
Firmin : "Have you been to the gift shop? We have some wonderful 'Opera Ghost merchandise' for sale."  
  
Erik : "You what?"  
  
Andre : "Go and see for yourself! The prices are virtually unbeatable." (Erik, in a panic, bolts from the room and runs to the main lobby. A sign on the wall reads, "Paris Opera Gift Shop ---." Upon his entry, he is greeted by shelf after shelf of Opera Ghost merchandise.)  
  
Erik : (Wandering, in a daze, throughout the store) "T-shirts!?" (Picks one up and examines it) "'I survived a night at the Paris Opera!' What the -?" (More examining) "Mugs? Magnets? Keychains?" *Gasp* "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M A SELL-OUT!!"  
  
Random Guy : "Step right up! Get your picture taken with a man who actually knew the infamous Opera Ghost! Only 10 francs a pop! C'mon, folks, get 'em while you still can! Hurry, hurry, hurry ...!"  
  
The Persian : (Sitting on a chair, much like a mall Santa Claus) "Can I go yet? I used to have a life before all this."  
  
Guy : "Shuddup and smile for the nice tourists!"  
  
Little Kid : (To the Persian) "Did you really KNOW the Opera Ghost mister? Huh? Didja? Didjadidjadidjadidjadidja? Did he teach you how to KILL people?"  
  
Persian : "Sometimes I wish he had ..."  
  
Erik : *Gasp* (Races over to the Persian) "Nadir! What is all this?"  
  
Persian : "Oh, hello Monsieur le Vicomte. How is your wife?"  
  
Erik : "Abstinent."  
  
Persian : "Mm, that's nice."  
  
Erik : "Nad - I mean, um, Persian ... Man ... What is going on here?"  
  
Persian : "Don't you remember? I was getting ready to leave after Eri - I mean, 'The Opera Ghost' supposedly vanished, but those two morons nabbed me and offered to pay me four times as much as I was making just wandering around the building looking mysterious! So I took it. I mean, hey, I'm no fool. At least now I can afford a real house, not like that cardboard box in the vacant lot two blocks from here my landlord had the nerve to call an apartment. And all I have to do is be cute for the tourists! I smile, I wave, answer a couple questions, sign a few autographs. It's like I'm Mel Gibson! Except he's not nearly as good looking as I am."  
  
Erik : "I see ... Well, that's ... nice ..."  
  
Persian : "You bet your patootie it's nice! Except for the occasional idiot tourist, I really don't have to put up with much."  
  
Erik : "So you, uh, never thought to maybe check to see how the Opera Ghost is doing down there? I mean, I bet he was pretty lonely after I so heartlessly stole the only woman he's ever truly loved." *ahem*  
  
Persian : "Hey, don't you start in on me, Junior. I got a lotta stuff going on above ground, I don't need anything else to deal with. It's not like before, when I could just pop in whenever I felt like it and offer the guy some unwanted advice, which he usually threw back in my face anyway. Why hang around down there and put my self-esteem , not to mention my life, on the line when I can be up here, where everyone loves me? I'll send him a sympathy card or something and bake him some brownies for the holidays, okay? Will that soothe your guilty conscience?"  
  
Erik : (Grumbling) "He doesn't even like brownies."  
  
Persian : "Now do me a favor and am-scray, will ya kid? It's time for my break."  
  
Erik : "Uh, sure ..." (Walks back into the auditorium) "Man, I had no idea Nadir felt that way. Maybe I should have been nicer to him ..."  
  
(Erik's thoughts are interrupted by a series of hysterical shrieks coming, of course, from Carlotta)  
  
Uh-oh ... 


	6. Be vewy, vewy quiet I'm hunting divas

Trouble in Paradise ...  
  
Carlotta : "We're not doing 'Moulin Rouge!!?' You mean I squeezed myself into this trashy costume and memorized an entire song about diamonds for nothing!!?"  
  
Andre : "It wasn't our idea. The Vicomte has apparently decided he would rather do something else."  
  
Carlotta : "What do you mean, 'The Vicomte has apparently decided ...!?' Decided what? To use his brain!? Correct me if I'm wrong, but he's never technically done anything useful around here. Ever."  
  
Firmin : "She's right, you know. This is the first time he's said something even remotely intelligent. He usually just sits there and looks pretty. You know, like throw pillows. I wonder what brought about this sudden surge of brain activity."  
  
Andre : "I personally wouldn't care if he began spouting physics equations in Latin! He's doling out the money by the truck load! Who cares how dumb or smart he is!?"  
  
Erik : (Talking to a member of the chorus) "The reason you aren't getting enough breath support is because you have to release the muscles in your abdomen as you inhale. Also, your upper register sounds a little weak. Here's a simple exercise I think you might find very useful ..."  
  
Carlotta : "Well it's scaring the hell out of me! One day he's yapping about the natural highlights in his hair, and the next thing I know he's doing Reyer's job better than Reyer and has you two nitwits eating out of the palm of his perfectly manicured hand! Plus, he wasted my time and for that he must pay! Francisco! Get over here right now!" (Francisco, the new lead tenor, obeys)  
  
Francisco : (Love-struck) "Yes, mi amore?"  
  
Meg : *CoughcoughWHIPPEDahem*  
  
Carlotta : "Get my things! We're leaving, and we're not coming back until I get my way!"  
  
Firmin : "Wait! Signora, you can't just leave! The production opens in two days! Who will we get to sing the lead?"  
  
Carlotta : (Coldly) "Why don't you call Christine Daae and see if she's still available, since you're so buddy-buddy with her husband!"  
  
Andre : "Uh ... well ... I suppose there's always a chance ..."  
  
Carlotta : (Fuming) "That does it! Good day, gentlemen!"  
  
Firmin : "Wait, please ... Monsieur le Vicomte, can't you do anything? She's leaving!"  
  
Erik : "Yeah ... so?"  
  
Andre : "So we need her!!"  
  
Erik : "Do you really? I mean, why shouldn't we take her advice and ask Christine? I'm sure my wife would be happy to oblige. Sure, she's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least she doesn't remind you of the Hulk when she gets angry. Plus, from what I remember, she can actually carry a tune." (Carlotta flounces off towards the exit. She never makes it there, however, because she accidentally steps into one of those snare traps that grab you by the ankle and string you up, upside down.)  
  
Carlotta : "AIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!!! WHAT IS THIS!!?" (She thrashes about, wildly, much like a caught fish suspended from a fishing line)  
  
Firmin : "What the -?"  
  
Andre : *sigh* "Not again." (He turns to the ballet girls) "That's it, we are all really getting tired of your practical jokes! The Opera house is no place for fun and games! Who's responsible for this?" (The girls stare at him, blankly) "Do you ladies even know how much you have cost the Opera because of your childish pranks?"  
  
Carlotta : "SOMEBODY GET ME DOWN!!!"  
  
Andre : "The missing powder puffs : 3 francs each ..."  
  
Carlotta : "HELLO!? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING!!?"  
  
Firmin : "The ruined scenery : 175 francs total ..."  
  
Carlotta : "ALL THE BLOOD IS RUSHING TO MY HEAD!!! DOES ANYONE CARE THAT I'M SEEING SPOTS!?"  
  
Andre : "And now this : Catching our prima donna in a snare trap and stringing her up by the ankles!"  
  
Erik : "Priceless." (Suddenly, a loud, booming voice is heard from above)  
  
Voice : "YES! IT WORKED! IT ACTUALLY WORKED!!" (In a sing-song tone) "I CAUGHT ME A DI-VA! I CAUGHT ME A DI-VA ...!"  
  
Erik : "Oh no ... He wouldn't ..."  
  
Voice : *ahem* "YES, THAT IS RIGHT, IT IS I, THE OMNIPOTENT OPERA GHOST!!! COWER IN FEAR OF MY UNMISTAKEABLE POWER! COWER, I SAY! COWER! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
Erik : "He would." (The lights begin flickering on and off as the chandelier rocks menacingly from the ceiling.)  
  
Raoul : "MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA! MWAAAHAHAHAHA!!! MWAHA -"  
  
Carlotta : "Hey!! HEY!!!" (A pause)  
  
Raoul : "Yes?"  
  
Carlotta : "What the heck d'you think you're doing, you lunatic!? Why am I in this snare trap!?"  
  
Raoul : "Duh ... Because you stepped on the little thingy that sets it off!"  
  
Carlotta : *GrumbleGrumble* "I know THAT! What I meant was ... Oh never mind! Just get me down from here!!"  
  
Raoul : "Sorry, no can do, sugar. I've got plans for you." (There is a clanking sound as Carlotta beings to rise up into the flies)  
  
Carlotta : "Wait a minute!! What's going on here!? What kind of a sick joke is this!? Andre!! Firmin!! Tell him to get me down!!"  
  
Firmin : (Timidly) "Er, Monsieur Opera Ghost ...?"  
  
Raoul and Erik : "Yes?" (They turn to stare at Erik)  
  
Erik : "I mean, uh, *ahem* ... Just ... clearing my throat ... heh ... heh ..."  
  
Firmin : "Would you mind telling us what you are planning to do with out prima donna?"  
  
Raoul : "Well, you see, I've been thinking, and ... Wait a minute! I don't have to answer to you! I don't have to answer to any of you! I'm the one in charge here! You all are supposed to be subjected to my every whim!"  
  
Erik : "Ha!"  
  
Raoul : "In fact, the very thought of me is supposed to strike fear into your little hearts! Now COWER BEFORE ME!!"  
  
Andre : "But we -"  
  
Raoul : (Warningly) "COWER ..." (Andre shrugs and leaps into Firmin's arms, who begins trembling with fright) "THAT GOES FOR THE REST OF YOU, TOO!" (The ballet girls faint, Mme Giry pops a few pills, and Carlotta continues to wail) "AND YOU, PRETTY BOY! LET'S SEE SOME WHIMPERING!" (Erik points to himself and mouths the word "Me?") "YEAH, YOU! THE GOOD-LOOKING KID WITH THE BLUE JACKET ... MAN, I LOOK GREAT IN BLUE ..."  
  
Erik : "Give it up! The day I cower before you is the day Christine actually denounces her vow of chastity and knocks down the wall seperating your bedrooms!"  
  
Carlotta : "SOMEBODY GET ME DOWN FROM HERE! WHAT IF HE TORTURES ME!? WHAT IF HE KILLS ME!? WHAT IF I'M NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN!?" (She receives blank stares) "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!" (Her voice fades out as she disappears into the ceiling)  
  
Raoul : "AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE ..." (Scary organ music begins playing as the lights flicker on and off again. The chandelier rocks back and forth) "MWAHAHAHAHAH! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA - Hey! What the -? What's going on!? I pulled the stupid switch!" (Faint, frantic flicking noises are heard) "C'mon ... c'mon!" (A pause) "Oh, well that's just great! Just perfect! I blew a fuse! You know, for an upscale opera house, this place could really use some major renovations!"  
  
Erik : "Hey!"  
  
Raoul : "Arrrggghh!" (Jumping up and down on top of the chandelier) "You! Stupid! Chandelier! Drop, I say! Drop!!" (Stops to catch is breath before disappearing into the catwalks and reappearing with a hacksaw. Grunting and panting, he pathetically attacks the chandelier's chain as everyone watches in either horror, amazement, or, in Erik's case, humiliation.)  
  
Erik : "I'll never be able to show my face around here again! Not that I ever could to begin with ..." (He sighs and walks backstage before locating a switch, which he pulls without effort. The chandelier comes crashing to the ground as Raoul desperately grabs for the other half of the chain and clings for dear life. There is a deafening crash followed by a lengthy pause)  
  
Raoul : (From the ceiling) *GaspPantWheeze* "Well ...? How's that *Gasp* for a finale!?"  
  
Erik : (Sarcastically) "I'll have to check the records, but I think it's already been done!"  
  
Laurette : "Hey! Hey!! Scary Ghost Guy!! Can I bring you in to school next week for Show and Tell?"  
  
Erik : "Absolutely not!!"  
  
Raoul : (Struggling up to the catwalks) "And now to make good my escape!" (He grins) "I've always wanted to say that! If only I knew what it meant ..." (He disappears into the ceiling and is heard running through the flies, where he begins to untangle Carlotta)  
  
Carlotta's Voice : "What do you think you're doing!? Stop that!! Put me down! I'll have your head for this!"  
  
Firmin : "Remember the Queen of Hearts from 'Alice in Wonderland ...?'"  
  
Raoul's Voice : "Onward, ho!"  
  
Carlotta's Voice : "I beg your pardon? Who are you calling a Ho!?"  
  
Andre : "Where do you suppose he's taking her?"  
  
Erik : "Wait for it ..."  
  
Raoul's Voice : "Ha! Now off to my secret Lair, located beneath the opera, across the lake in the fifth cellar, where no one will ever be able to find me! Mwahahahaha!"  
  
Erik : "Bingo." (All look to Mme Giry)  
  
Giry : "You have got to be kidding. There is no way any of you can make me go scrounging around down there again!" (Folds arms and looks defiant)  
  
Andre : *shrugs* "Whatever. Somebody go find that Persian guy."  
  
Giry : "What!? I mean, uh ... What ... was I thinking? Heh heh ... Of course I'll be happy to show you the way. Follow me please." (She turns and walks backstage) *grumble* "Stupid Persian guy ... Always stealing my bit ..."  
  
Meg : "Technically, Mom, it was you who stole his bit."  
  
Giry : "Look, do you want to come this time, or not?"  
  
Frimin : "Monsieur de Chagny, we -" (Stops and notices he has also disappeared) "Well isn't that strange. Where do you suppose he went to?"  
  
I think we can pretty much guess. Stay tuned ... 


	7. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Phreaky Phriday  
  
Note : Once again, my dears, I apologize for the delay. It took a little while for my creativity to get going. Also, I was unavoidably detained for a few days in a wonderful little place called New York City (perhaps you've heard of it?), seeing, for the second time, a wonderful little show entitled, The Phantom of the Opera as part of a wonderful little celebration for my seventeenth birthday. WAHOO! And because we all have at least one thing on common, and that is a love of Phantom, I just thought I'd share that with you, despite the fact that it has little or no relevance to this phic. Which reminds me ...  
  
(Scene : Raoul, as Erik, has captured Carlotta and is now attempting to lead her to the lair. *snicker*)  
  
Raoul : (Riding Cesar as Carlotta leads him along down the passageways) "Just a few more yards, and then you're going to wanna hang a left."  
  
Carlotta : *Grumble*  
  
Raoul : (Waving Erik's black, wide-brimmed hat in the air) "Yee-haw! Ride 'em Seabiscuit! Hi - ho, Silver! Away!" (Begins singing the William Tell Overture) "Da da dum da da dum da da dum dum dum! Da da dum da da dum da da dum dum dum ...!"  
  
Carlotta : "Uh, excuse me ...?"  
  
Raoul : "Da da dum da da dum da da dum dum dum ...!"  
  
Carlotta : "Monsieur Opera Ghost ... Person ...?"  
  
Raoul : "Da da duuuuummmmm da da da -"  
  
Carlotta : "HEY!!"  
  
Raoul : "Yes?"  
  
Carlotta : "I gotta question for you : If you're the kidnapper, why am I steering the horse?"  
  
Raoul : *scoffs* "Well, you certainly don't expect me to capture a diva and bring her down to my house five cellars below ground all by me onesies, do you? I'm the All-Powerful Opera Ghost, for heaven's sake! I'm practically an emperor, which means I don't do slave labor. That's for my kidnap-ees. Now pull!" (Sees the shore of the lake in the distance) "Hey! Hold up!" (Carlotta stops and looks to where he is pointing) "Look, we made it!" (Jumps off Cesar and runs to the edge of the lake, where the boat and lantern sit at the dock) "After you, my dear." (Carlotta gives him a disgusted look)  
  
Carlotta : "You're kidding, right? You want me to get into that leaky little boat and row across this cold, wet, dark and scary lake just so you can see this sick, twisted plot of your's to its bitter conclusion?"  
  
Raoul : "Yup. Ladies first." (Pushes Carlotta into the boat from behind and hands her the oars)  
  
Carlotta : "Oh no, you don't! If you think for one minute that I am going to row the both of us across this lake all by ME onesies, then you, my friend, are sadly mistaken." (Throws an oar at him) "We'll BOTH row!" (Grins slyly to herself) "Unless you don't think you can handle it. It is pretty tiring work, rowing a boat, and only the strongest of people in the best physical condition can do it. You know, really muscular, well-built men."  
  
Raoul : (Grabbing up the oar) "Say no more, shortcake! You happen to be looking at one of the top rowers in his graduating class! I made the Princeton crew team look like a paddle boat race. Back at school, my nickname was even "Rowing Rao -er - I mean, Eri - uh ... Sir Rows-A-Lot!" *ahem*  
  
Carlotta : "Riiigght." (They begin to row in silence.)  
  
(Five minutes later ...)  
  
Raoul : (Standing up in the boat and singing) "'... With Gilligan! The Skipper, too, a millionare and his wife! A movie star! The professor and Mary Anne ...'"  
  
Carlotta : "Why haven't we reached the shore yet? This lake isn't that big, is it?"  
  
Raoul : "Yo ho, yo ho! Avast, me hearties, yo ho! Hmmm hmm! Hmmm hmmm hmmm! Something, something ... Doo bee doo ... Da daa daa! Yo ho, yo ho! Avast -"  
  
Carlotta : "Do you have to do that? Or is this all part of the torture you've got in store for me?"  
  
Raoul : "I thought, since we're sailing, we should have some nautically themed music to set the mood!"  
  
Carlotta : "But I think we're paddling in circles!"  
  
Raoul : (Not listening) "Man, no wonder he was able to seduce Christine so easily! Listen to this :" (Sings some soft, flowing tune with Erik's voice, which instantly causes Carlotta's eyes to glaze over. As he finishes, she is practically puddy in his paws) "Not too shabby, huh?"  
  
Carlotta : (Drooling) "So ... very ... beautiful ... Urge to scream ... fading ..."  
  
Raoul : "But why waste my newfound talent on sissy stuff like that? What we need is some really masculine music ... *ahem* 'Are ya ready, kids?'"  
  
Carlotta : (Slowly snapping out of it) "Wha ... Huh?"  
  
Raoul : "'I can't hear you!'"  
  
Carlotta : "But I didn't say anyth -"  
  
Raoul : "'Ohhhhhh ... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?'" (Gestures towards Carlotta, who gives him a Look) "'Absorbant and yellow and porous is he!'" (Another gesture, another Look) "'If nautical nonsense be something you wish!'" (A pause)  
  
Carlotta : "Urge to scream returning ..."  
  
Raoul : (sigh) "Carlotta, you're not helping out with the song."  
  
Carlotta : "And YOU'RE not helping out with the rowing. I've been paddling this thing in circles for the past five minutes while you sit there and serenade us with hokey television theme song music!" (She throws up her arms) "Honestly, I don't understand any of this! Everyone around here lives in complete and utter fear of the Opera Ghost! Just mentioning your name is enough to make the ballet girls pass out! You've murdered and kidnapped and threatened and destroyed until those two nitwit managers have practically glued their lips to your feet! And yet, despite all the fear and paranoia that has become synonymous with your name, in reality you are a complete and utter moron!"  
  
Raoul : "I beg your pardon?"  
  
Carlotta : "I don't know why nobody ever noticed it before. You must hide your idiocy very well."  
  
Raoul : "Why thank you, I - Hey! Wait a minute! Are you calling me a moron?"  
  
Carlotta : "It would appear that I am, yes."  
  
Raoul : "How dare you talk that way to me? I can have you killed for that! Don't forget who you're dealing with!"  
  
Carlotta : "But that's just the beauty of it! I know exactly who I'm dealing with : the Opera Ghost! The clumsy, absent-minded, incompetent Opera Ghost!"  
  
Raoul : "Clumsy!? Absent - minded!? INCOMPETENT!!? Why you -! I'll fix your wagon!" (Stops to think) "What's that thing that Eri - er, I mean, uh, I use to strangle people with ...? P - pun ... poon ... poon - jer ..."  
  
Carlotta : "The Punjab lasso?"  
  
Raoul : "Yeah, that's it. I was just, um, testing you to ... uh, yeah. *ahem*" (He reaches into his pockets, searching for the lasso. Carlotta sighs as he begins checking around the boat) "And, er, where do I keep it?"  
  
Carlotta : "I would assume somewhere close by, because you always seem to have it whenever you need it."  
  
Raoul : "Um, right ..." (Checks his pockets again and finally retrieves it from within his cape) "Ha! Found it!" (She stares at him) "Another test ... heh ... heh ... You're doing quite well. My other victims were not nearly as knowlegeable."  
  
Carlotta : "Whatever." (Raoul takes the Punjab lasso in his hands and studies it for a moment, before wrapping it around his wrist and flinging it clumsily at Carlotta. It brushes the side of her face before falling pitifully into a heap on the bottom of the boat.) *sigh* "I rest my case." (She picks up the lasso and throws it out into the lake before Raoul can protest)  
  
Raoul : (Watching the lasso float away) "Man, is he ever going to be angry with you ... *shrugs* Oh well, I can always send you to the Torture Chamber if you get too unbearable."  
  
Carlotta : "Strange, I was thinking the same thing ..." (They suddenly run into the dock) "At last! I thought we'd never make it."  
  
Raoul : (Stepping out of the boat valiently) "Land, ho!"  
  
Carlotta : "Hey, what did I say about that 'ho' thing!?" (Voices are suddenly heard from the other side of the lake)  
  
Andre's Voice : "Signora! Are you alright?"  
  
Meg's Voice : "Just lie down and play dead, Carlotta, and maybe he'll bring you back!"  
  
Firmin's Voice : "How do we get over there?"  
  
Giry's Voice : "What do I look like, an information kiosk? I just bring people down here, I never actually take them across the lake! That's the handsome, young nobleman's job. You know, save the day, rescue the damsel, defeat the madman, all that jazz?" (A pause)  
  
Erik's Voice : (As Raoul) "What? What're you all staring at? You certainly don't expect me to - Oh, c'mon! I don't wanna go over there and rescue her! When it was Christine, well, that was one thing. But this is Carlotta we're talking about here. It's like rescuing a big, tempermental grizzly bear; I mean, sure, they're endangered, but why even bother if they're eventually just going to knock you down and steal your food?" (Another pause) "Even if I wanted to, I still can't get over there! There's no boat! What do you want me to do, walk on water?"  
  
Giry's Voice : "Didn't you just swim across last time?"  
  
Erik's Voice : "Are you kidding? And ruin this great suit? It was imported all the way from Italy and -" (A shocked silence) "Dear lord, I'm turning into him!" (He looks down at himself) "I am unclean! Unclean!" (Throws off the jacket and dives into the lake, swimming at an incredible rate)  
  
Firmin's Voice : "Ha! Look at him go! We'll have our prima donna back before you can say, 'Diamonds are a girl's best friend!'"  
  
Raoul : (Peering out across the lake) "Drat! Someone's coming! We don't have much time." (Grabs Carlotta and races into the house)  
  
Carlotta : "Take your hands off me! Don't have much time for what?" (A pause)  
  
Raoul : "I don't know ... Better check the list."  
  
Carlotta : "List? What list?"  
  
Raoul : "Duh. The Opera Ghost to-do list?" (Whips out piece of paper and puts on a pair of thick-rimmed reading glasses) "Let's see ... Create complete and utter pandemonium throughout Opera house, cause ballet girls to faint ... Check. Wreak havoc on unsuspecting managers and taunt pretty- boy patron ... Check. Send threatening notes ... cut down giant chandelier ... Check and check ... Ah, here we are! Kidnap beautiful ingenue and seduce her with music ..." (Looks at Carlotta) "Damn, I think I kidnapped the wrong ingenue!"  
  
Carlotta : "Say what, now?"  
  
Raoul : "Er, uh, nothing ..." (An awkward pause)  
  
Carlotta : "Well, it's been a slice, but I really think I should get back to rehearsal, so -" (Suddenly, a voice is heard from somewhere behind them)  
  
Voice : "Erik! I'm here! I'm sorry I'm late, but I just had to -" (Enters and stops) "What the -? Carlotta!?"  
  
Raoul : "Christine!? What are you doing here?"  
  
Christine : "What do you mean, what am I doing here ? What is SHE doing here?"  
  
Raoul : "I kidnapped her!"  
  
Christine : "You what!? Why?"  
  
Raoul : "Why? Because I'm the Opera Ghost! It's what I do! Perhaps you did not see the Opera Ghost to-do list?"  
  
Christine : "Bu -but ... What about tea?"  
  
Raoul : "What?"  
  
Christine : "Tea! Yesterday, just before Raoul burst in on us, you were saying how much you'd been enjoying our tea together and invited me over to your place for another one."  
  
Raoul : (Shocked) "And you accepted? Just like that!? What about your husband? Don't you think it might bother him just a little bit that you decided to have tea and crumpets with an obsessive murderer, not once, but twice in the same 24 hours!?"  
  
Christine : "I don't know why you're so upset, Erik! You didn't mention any of this yesterday. And besides, since when do you care what Raoul thinks?"  
  
Raoul : "Er, uh ... That's not the point! The point is ... Uh ... The point is ..."  
  
Christine : "The point is ...?"  
  
Carlotta : "The point is that the both of you are complete and utter whack- jobs;" (Turns to Raoul) "You, because you murder, kidnap, and watch Gilligan's Island, and you," (Turns to Christine) "because you come down here WILLINGLY to have TEA with an idiotic madman!"  
  
Christine : "So ... what exactly are you saying?" (They are interrupted by a loud bang as Erik, dripping wet, enters the lair)  
  
Erik : "Alright, alright, I guess I'm here to save the day." (Looks up) "At least I don't have to worry about being attacked by the Punjab lasso. The chances of the fop actually learning how to correctly use the thing are about as likely as a cardboard hammer."  
  
Christine : "Raoul! What are you doing here?"  
  
Erik : "For some reason the managers want their diva back, and for some reason *coughcoughahem* they seem to think it's the handsome young nobleman's job to go down five cellars below ground and swim across a frigid lake to rescue her." (A pause as he stares at her picnic basket full of tea things) "Oh how sweet! You remembered!"  
  
Christine : "Remembered what?"  
  
Erik : "Our tea togeth - Er, that is ... um ..."  
  
Raoul : (To Erik) "You! You've been planning this all along, haven't you? You thought that maybe if she felt guilty for abandoning you, you might still have a chance with her!"  
  
Erik : "She invited me over for tea! I was just returning the favor! I can't help it if she still has an unresolved desire for me you were unable to satisfy!"  
  
Raoul : "And how do you know that? Maybe we're very happy!"  
  
Erik : "Yes, out of all the couples I know I can't think of any so blissful as those who sleep across the hall from each other."  
  
Raoul : "Well at least I didn't have to drag her down here and string her boyfriend up by the neck to get her to marry me, unlike SOME people I know!"  
  
Erik : "Au contrare, my mask-wearing friend, but now it is YOU who have to force Christine into holy matrimony if you want her for your wife again! Ha! How about a taste of your own medicine, hm?" (Grabs Christine and pulls her towards the portcullis) "C'mon, DARLING, let's hold hands and sing together as we row away into the darkness towards a better life!"  
  
Christine : "I am so confused right now ..."  
  
Raoul : "Fine! Go ahead! But remember what you're leaving behind! This house, this organ, this Opera and all its contents ..." (Grins slyly) "This voice ..." (He sings all of 3 notes before Christine takes notice and passes out at his feet)  
  
Erik : (Smoke coming out of his ears) "You'll NEVER have to see this MONSTER again, Christine! I'LL take care of you forever and ever ..." (Raoul continues to sing) "... and EVER AND EVER AND ..." (Ayesha hops onto the organ and Raoul, who is also becoming angry, begins stroking her head. Finally, Erik can't take it anymore. He grabs the unconcious Christine and gives her a lengthy kiss, a la an old black and white movie. Raoul, shocked by this, stops singing, grabs up Ayesha, and gives her a lengthy kiss as well) *Blinking* "Dude, even I don't kiss the cat."  
  
Christine : (Coming to, in Erik's arms) "Oh, Raoul ..." (A dreamy pause) "Would you like to sleep in my room tonight?"  
  
Raoul : "Like hell he would!" (Drops Ayesha and lunges for Erik, who drops Christine and lunges for Raoul)  
  
Erik : "I want my voice back, you diva-stealing, chandelier-dropping, cat- smooching Opera Ghost Poser!!" (Grabs a pillow off the divan and whacks Raoul on the head) "GIVE!" *whack* "IT!" *whack* "BACK!!" *whack*  
  
Raoul : "Ow! Ow! OW!! STOP IT!! HOW THE HECK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT? That crazy little fairy lady was the one who switched us! Talk to her, not me!"  
  
Christine : "Fairy lady ...? Oh no ... You've both been using the morphine, haven't you?"  
  
Raoul : "I wanna be me again! I'm tired of being alone and ugly and un- feared!"  
  
Erik : "Well that's just fine with me, Junior, because it just so happens I wanna be ME again! You can keep your boyish good looks and villiage idiot reputation! I want my Opera House back!"  
  
Raoul : "And I want my wife back!"  
  
Erik : "Well ..." (Glances at Christine, who has crawled under a table, looking for Ayesha)  
  
Christine : "Here, kitty kitty ... Nice kitty ... C'mere Ayesha, you pretty little - Ooh, a dust bunny!"  
  
Erik : *Grumble* "Fine."  
  
Raoul : "Fine." (They release each other and sit down on the floor. An awkward pause) "Has anyone seen Carlotta?" (A loud crash is heard from the kitchen, followed by a string of Italian profanities) "Never mind ..."  
  
Erik : "So ... when did that little pixie say she was coming back?" (Raoul shrugs)  
  
Raoul : "Hey, let's play a game to pass the time while we wait for her! Do you have Twister?"  
  
Erik : "Er, I don't think so."  
  
Raoul : "Boggle? Checkers? Chutes and Ladders? Guesstures?"  
  
Erik : "I'm not really a board game kinda guy."  
  
Raoul : "Well, I suppose we can think of something ..."  
  
Last chapter coming up! (Oh, and I don't own Boggle, Checkers, Chutes and Ladders, Guesstures, Twister, Gilligan's Island, or the Spongebob Squarepants theme song) 


	8. Elementary, my dear Watson

Phreaky Phriday  
  
Here, I Have a Note : These, my dears, are the last two chapters. *sob* (Now, now, try and pull yourselves together ...) I apologize profusely for taking so long to get them up, but I was having a little trouble coming up with an exact ending, and then school started, which meant my free time virtually disappeared. Thanks so much for being patient and for reviewing / reading this phic! I love you all.  
  
~ LaLuna :)  
  
Scene : To pass the time, Erik, Raoul, Carlotta, and Christine are playing a rousing game of "I Spy."  
  
Raoul : "I spy with my little eye something ... that's ... green!"  
  
Erik : "Green? I hate green. I can assure you there is nothing green around here."  
  
Christine : "Well, how would you know, Raoul? This is Erik's apartment, and I happen to know there are plently of green things all over the place. Now let's see ..."  
  
Erik : *massaging temples* "If that fairy doesn't get here soon ..."  
  
Carlotta : "Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?"  
  
Raoul : (Thinks hard) "Umm ... Fruit!" (A confused silence)  
  
Carlotta : "Okay ..."  
  
Raoul : "You guys give up?"  
  
Erik : "What other choice do we have?"  
  
Raoul : "It's -" (He is interrupted by a loud bang and the sound of angry voices in the next room)  
  
Voices : "Ow, I fell on my keys ... / I don't think those were your keys!! / Why is it so dark in here? / I'm afraid of the dark! / Shut-up! Shut-up! I need to concentrate! / I have to go to the bathroom ... / Why didn't you go back at that service station? / etc."  
  
Christine : "What on earth ...? That sounds like ..." (Looks behind her) "Erik, isn't that the wall where the hidden door to my room is?" (Raoul stares blankly into space.) "Erik? Did you hear what I just said?" (More staring. Erik elbows him in the ribs)  
  
Raoul : "Ow, hey! Oh, uh, I mean ... Heh, heh, sorry, I was, um, composing some stirring masterpiece in my head. What did you say, my dear?"  
  
Christine : "Never mind." (Suddenly, Mme Giry, Andre, Firmin, the Persian and Meg burst through the wall and fall onto the floor in a tangled heap)  
  
Giry : (To the Persian) "Some guide you are! At least when I take people down here I don't lead them straight into the mirrored torture chamber!"  
  
Persian : "That's because you only know how to get to the lake! I'm the only other person besides Erik who can actually get into the house, never mind that it's through a death trap. At least when people are in my protection I don't allow them to waltz in through the front door expecting the welcome mat to be rolled out for them, only to find their necks caught by the Punjab lasso!"  
  
Giry : "That was in no way my fault! I told him to keep his hands at the level of his eyes! How was I to know he wouldn't listen?"  
  
Carlotta : "Uh, excuse me, I hate to break up this little confrontation, but, what are you all doing here?"  
  
Andre : (Picking himself up from the rubble) "Uh, well, I think we came to rescue you ... Or to see how the Vicomte was doing, and to perhaps offer some assitance, or, at the very least, some encouraging words."  
  
Firmin : "So ... How's it going, Monsieur le Vicomte?" (Everyone stares at Erik)  
  
Erik : "Oh, fine, fine ... He's a crafty devil, that Opera ghost ... *ahem*" (Glances in Raoul's direction) "But I, uh, think that he's willing to let Carlotta go free, seeing as how he's got some very important business matters to take care of *coughahemahem*"  
  
Meg : (Pulling out a small package) "Cough drop, Monsieur le Vicomte?"  
  
Erik : "Uh, no thanks Little Giry, er, I mean, Mademoiselle Giry."  
  
Andre : "Business matters?" (Looks at Raoul) "Like what?"  
  
Raoul : (Nervously) "Oh, this and that, you know how it is : Money to embezzle, people to terrorize, divas to kidnap, theatres to haunt ... What can I say, a Phantom's work is never done!"  
  
Firmin : "So, we can have our prima donna back?"  
  
Raoul : *Tsk* "Well, no, of course not! That would be too easy! Everyone knows the Opera ghost doesn't just release prisoners all willy nilly! You gotta fight for her."  
  
Erik : "What!?" (Grabs Raoul by the arm and pulls him into a corner) "What the heck do you think you're doing? That fairy should be here any minute to reverse the spell, and when she does, I don't want to be left alone down here with a tempermental diva and her two whiny managers while you and Christine get away scott-free!"  
  
Raoul : (Pouting) "But that's not how it's supposed to work! You're supposed to fight to the death for her! Otherwise, it won't be any fun!"  
  
Erik : "Fun? Fun!? Is that all you can think about, whether or not something is fun!? Life always has to amuse you, is that it?"  
  
Raoul : "Well ... yeah. What's wrong with that?"  
  
Erik : "Geez, no wonder you've had such a terrible time here! Look, kid, what you don't seem to be getting is that half the things I've done here haven't been for fun! When I cut down the chandelier, that wasn't for fun, that was merely my own personal way of getting my point across. When I snatched Christine from the stage and brought her here, do you think I did that for fun? No, of course not! I sensed that her affections were waning ever so slightly and thought it best to take matters into my own hands. Granted, the notes, the croaking, the taunting, watching the managers squirm, and stringing you up in the torture chamber were all, more or less, for my amusement, but it can't be a party all the time, you know."  
  
Raoul : "Believe me, I know. Just finding this stupid house was a lot more work than I care to do in a day. I'm used to hanging around here and getting free opera and parading around the Bois and the Champs Elysees with my trophy-er, I mean, beautiful wife. I thought it would be cool to be the Master of the Paris Opera, but really it just seems like one big migraine after another."  
  
Erik : "And I crave intellectual stimulation, of which I get virtually none in your body. People seem to think you have a brain the size of a Brazil nut and so treat you like a four-year old child with ADD. Since it would be quite inaccurate to call me anything less than astonishingly brilliant, you can imagine the frustration I have experienced."  
  
Raoul : "Well, okay, so we've learned our lesson. I like being pretty and you like being smart. But that still doesn't fix things! We need that fairy lady."  
  
Christine : "Uh, Erik? I hate to break up this lovely little conversation you two seem to be having, but a little woman in a sequined gown and wings just materialized over there by the divan, and I thought you should know."  
  
Raoul and Erik : "Finally!" (They run towards where Phoebe is standing)  
  
Phoebe : (To Andre) "What!? Haven't you ever seen a 4'3" pixie in a Calvin Kleine original seemingly appear out of nowhere beneath an opera house before? Where the hell have you been?"  
  
Raoul : "It's about time you got here! This mask is really starting to chafe."  
  
Erik : "And I'm actually beginning to like powder blue."  
  
Christine : "Uh, Erik? Raoul? Would you like to introduce us to your ... friend?"  
  
Phoebe : "The name's Phoebe, and I ain't no friend of their's. Put're there, doll face." (Extends her hand, which Christine awkwardly shakes)  
  
Christine : "Hi, Mademoiselle ... Phoebe. I'm Christine."  
  
Phoebe : "Right, right, I remember you. The glassy-eyed dame." (Christine looks confused) "And who's the rest of the motely crew?" (Gestures towards the group, who are now looking thoroughly bewildered)  
  
Christine : "Uh, well ... That's Messieurs Andre and Firmin, managers of the Opera, and Carlotta, the prima donna (by default), Mme Giry, the ballet mistress and keeper of Box Five, and her daughter, Meg, the Opera's finest dancer and resident gossip. Oh, and the Persian ... We're not really sure what his job is. He just wanders around the building looking dark and mysterious."  
  
Phoebe : "Ah yes ... I had a parakeet like that once." (Nods at the group, who wave uncertainly) "Glad to know ya." (Turns to Raoul and Erik) "Well now, how are things with you two? Learned any valuable lessons about each other?"  
  
Raoul : "Definitely."  
  
Phoebe : "Such as ...?" (A brief pause)  
  
Erik : "Okay, so we lied. But we did learn that we would much rather be ourselves than anybody else." (He stops, taken aback) "Did those words really come out of MY mouth?"  
  
Raoul : "This is getting really creepy. Please change us back before we totally loose our minds and sense of identity!"  
  
Phoebe : "Alright, alright. Keep your mask on."  
  
Erik : "Technically, it's not his mask."  
  
Phoebe : "Whatever."  
  
Carlotta : "Hold it! Just a minute, here! I think I speak for everyone when I say I have never been more confused in my life! Would someone please explain to me what is going on?"  
  
Meg : "Well I should think it would be obvious! The Opera ghost and the Vicomte are rivals, as everyone knows, and clearly had some spell placed upon them by this pixie lady which caused them to switch places for a day, thus teaching them the importance of self-acceptance and learning to see your opposition as a human being. My guess would be that now, after a series of comical mix-ups and virtually improbable situations, the pixie is going to reverse the spell and change them back." (A stunned silence)  
  
Phoebe : "How the heck did you know all that?"  
  
Meg : "My real name is Sherlock Holmes."*  
  
Giry : "That does it, young lady! You know nobody likes a know-it-all! Go to the torture chamber and think about what you've done!" (Meg leaves, grumbling)  
  
Andre : "I always knew there was something strange about that girl."  
  
Phoebe : "Okay! Now that that's all settled, let's get this spell over and done with. You have exactly thirty seconds left to be each other, so if there's anything you'd still like to do, you'd better do it now."  
  
Erik : (To Raoul) "Hey ugly! I hear yo' mama puts a paper bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!"  
  
Raoul : "Yeah, well, I heard that you're so stupid, you locked yourself in a grocery store and starved to death!"  
  
Erik : (To the managers) "So we're doing Faust, right?"  
  
Andre and Firmin : (Too stunned by the whole situation to think) "Uh, sure. Whatever."  
  
Erik : "Great." (Takes a wad of bills from his coat pocket and hands them to Andre) "Here. By yourselves a nice little summer home in Brussels, compliments of the Vicomte de Chagny."  
  
Raoul : "What!? Hey! That's not fair! Well, two can play that game!" (Marches over to the organ and begins to bang out something that sounds like a cross between Mary Had a Little Lamb and O Fortuna.)  
  
Erik : "Ha! You may have my body, Chagny, but you'll never have my incredibly superior musical genius!"  
  
Raoul : (Grinning slyly) "Oh really?" (Steps away from the organ and begins to sing some haunting melody, a capella. When he's through, everyone except Erik has a glassy-eyed, dreamy, glazed-over look on their face.)  
  
Carlotta : (To Christine) "Tell me again why you chose the Vicomte over him?"  
  
Christine : "The Vicomte ...?"  
  
Erik : "Oh, that does it!" (Turns to Phoebe) "You change us back right now, or I'll put a stamp on you, mail you to Orlando, Florida and try and pass you off as Tinkerbell!"  
  
Phoebe : "Okay! You've all had your fun, but I'm afraid time is up! I'll need you both to stand right over there. And no more fighting! I need a clear aura to make this work."  
  
Raoul : (Looking up) "So long, Opera house! You're a cool place, but I definitely wouldn't want to live here."  
  
Erik : (To Christine) "Goodbye, Christine. It was nice while it lasted ..." (Kisses her hand and goes to stand by Raoul)  
  
Christine : "Oh Raoul ... I mean, Erik ... I mean, uh ..."  
  
Erik : (To himself) "Yes! I might still have a chance!"  
  
Raoul : (To himself) "Yes! Maybe I haven't lost her yet!"  
  
Phoebe : "Are you guys ready?"  
  
Raoul and Erik : "Definitely."  
  
Phoebe : "Okay, one ... two ... three!" (She waves her wand professionally, waits a few seconds, and smiles.) "Well, there ya go. My work here is, thankfully, done." (She takes out a little briefcase and tucks her wand inside. There is a pause as Raoul and Erik stand perfectly still, afraid to move.)  
  
Erik : (Opening his eyes ever so slightly) "Is ... Did you do it?"  
  
Phoebe : (Scribbling something on a clipboard) "Yup." (The two men quickly inspect themselves, before leaping into the air with joy.)  
  
Raoul and Erik : "WAAAAHOOOOO! I'M ME AGAIN!!" (In the flurry of excitement, they suddenly embrace each other in a huge bear hug for all of three seconds, before realizing what they are doing. Everyone freezes in either shock or, in Erik and Raoul's case, complete and utter horror.)  
  
Erik : (His voice muffled in Raoul's shoulder) "Um ... Are we ...?"  
  
Raoul : "I think so ..." (They instantly pull away and stare at the ceiling, coughing awkwardly)  
  
Erik : "Um, ahem ... *cough* Yes, well ..."  
  
Giry : "Man, that was just plain creepy!"  
  
Christine : "I think it was sweet!"  
  
Carlotta : (Rolling her eyes) "You would."  
  
Phoebe : "Well, now that that's done maybe I can finally get a little R&R." (Shakes hands with Erik and Raoul) "Thanks for helping me get my wings, guys. Good luck with Crystal."  
  
Christine : "Christine."  
  
Phoebe : "Whatever." (Grabs briefcase) "I'm off to Bora Bora! Aloha!" (She disappears in a small cloud of smoke and glitter.)  
  
Firmin : (Thoughtfully) "You know, that's not such a bad idea. I've been meaning to take a vacation, and I think we can finally afford it, now that we've got all this money the Vicomte so thoughtfully gave us. Whattya say, Andre? Someplace tropical?"  
  
Andre : "Say no more, mi amigo! After all this, I don't see how anyone can not take a vacation. " (Turns to the group) "Ciao, everyone! We'll drop you a postcard or something. And remember : The Vicomte's in charge."  
  
Raoul : "Score!"  
  
Everyone else : "D'oh!"  
  
Raoul : (Grabbing Christine by the arm) "C'mon, darling, let's go. I have the biggest urge to purchase something colorful."  
  
Christine : "Well, actually Raoul, there's something I have to tell you ..."  
  
Dun-dun-DUUUNNNN! The plot thickens ...  
  
*Oh, by the way, Meg's line about how her real name is Sherlock Holmes was not of my own creation. It was shamelessly taken from a wonderfully random and absurd Eugene Ionesco play, entitled "The Bald Soprano." I do apologize for the minor copyright infringement. 


	9. There's no business like show business

Christine has something to say ...  
  
Erik : "I knew it! You're going to dump the fop and move in with me, aren't you!?" (Turns to Raoul) "Ha! In your face, Vicomte!" (Begins doing his little happy dance)  
  
Christine : "Er, well, no, Erik, I'm sorry, but that's not what I was going to say." (Erik freezes, mid-Cabbage Patch)  
  
Erik : "It's not?"  
  
Christine : (Hesitently) "No ... You see, the thing is ..." (She takes a breath) "... There's someone else."  
  
Raoul and Erik : "WHAT!!?"  
  
Christine : "I didn't want to tell you, Raoul, cause I was afraid you'd be hurt, and I didn't want to tell you, Erik, cause I was afraid you'd kill him." (The Persian appears out of the shadows and stands next to Christine)  
  
Persian : "No, he won't, because he promised me that he wouldn't kill people anymore," (Eyes Erik) "Remember?"  
  
Erik : *Grumble*  
  
Persian : (To Christine) "Go on, dearest, tell them."  
  
Raoul : "Dearest!? Wait a minute, what are you saying? It's not ... Is it?" (Erik and Raoul stare at Christine and the Persian in disbelief)  
  
Erik : "WHAT!? Bu - but, Christine! He's not even your type!"  
  
Raoul : "Yeah! His dark and rougish middle-eastern good looks don't even come close to my sparkling eyes and irresistably charming smile!"  
  
Erik : "Nor does he have even half of my incredible genius. I'll bet you'd never confuse him with the Angel of Music."  
  
Christine : (Patronizing) "I knew this was going to be hard on you two, but I'm afraid you're just going to have to accept it and move on with your lives. Besides, I don't think it would have ever worked out with either of you anyway."  
  
Erik : "Whattya mean!? My voice alone has been enough to make you melt into a puddle of syrupy sweetness on more than one occasion. And let's not forget how succeptable you are to my gently seductive caress."  
  
Raoul : "Never mind all that! We were freakin' married for pete's sake! In a church and everything!"  
  
Christine : "Yes, Raoul, but really that was just a desperate attempt on my part to relive my childhood and the memory of my dead father. It was more like playing house than anything else. We didn't even sleep in the same bed." (Raoul sputters incoherently as Christine turns to Erik) "And, well, you're just kinda scary. What with all the murdering and the kidnapping and the raving madman-lunatic thing - It's just too much for a girl to deal with! I need someone safe and reliable, who I know won't throw a tantrum if I happen to tear his mask away."  
  
Persian : "Which I would never do."  
  
Erik : (Witheringly) "Nadir, you don't even wear a mask."  
  
Persian : "How do you know that? Maybe I do and you just never cared enough to notice." *sniff*  
  
Christine : "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this is how it's just going to have to be. But hey! Look on the bright side! At least now you two don't have to hate each other anymore. You can be friends!" (Raoul and Erik look horrified) "Well don't look as if I just threw up on you. It'll be fun, you'll see!"  
  
Persian : "I think we'd better go, darling, we have dinner reservations for six."  
  
Christine : "Okay then." (To Raoul and Erik) "See ya round, guys! Thanks for being so sweet and fighting to the death for me and all that! If you ever need anything, just drop me a line at Nadir's. Ciao!" (She and the Persian leave. There is a brief moment of shocked silence)  
  
Giry : "Well! That was definitely something you don't see everyday!"  
  
Carlotta : "You can say that again, sugar. This place is starting to get a little too weird, I gotta get outta here." (Turns to Erik) "Can I go now?"  
  
Erik : (Gestures towards Raoul) "Ask him. He's the one who kidnapped you."  
  
Carlotta : "Er ... right." (To Raoul) "Can I go now?"  
  
Raoul : "What do I care? I don't live here anymore! I don't own this gigantic opera house or this cool organ or that tempermental ballet mistress!"  
  
Giry : "Hey!"  
  
Raoul : "I don't have anything except a big empty town house, a chamber maid, and two dust bunnies!" (Bursts into floods of tears)  
  
Erik : "Perfect ..."  
  
Carlotta : "Uh, yeah ..." (Awkwardly pats Raoul on the shoulder) "There, there ... *ahem* Wow, wouldja look at the time! Looks like I gotta be getting to that ... um ... you know ... thing ... with the ... and the ... uh ..." (Looks to Mme Giry helplessly)  
  
Giry : "Oh, yeah! I know exactly what you're talking about! The, uh, thing! The really important thing! Can't be late for that ... thing ... I'll, er, show you the way out ..." (They slowly scootch towards the door before abandoning propriety altogether and bolting for the exit. There is another awkward pause, interrupted only by the sound of Raoul's sniffling. Erik sighs and offers him a hanky, which he greatfully accepts.)  
  
Raoul : "Well ..." *snifflesnifflehonk* "... Now what am I supposed to do?"  
  
Erik : (Scowling) "Whattya mean, what are you supposed to do? Didn't you hear what Chip and Dale just said? You've got an Opera house to run! Rehearsals to schedual, performances to book, hands to shake, champagne to drink!"  
  
Raoul : *whimper* "But I don't know how to run an Opera house!"  
  
Erik : "I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out. How hard can it be? I mean, look who your predecessors are." (Raoul looks at him skeptically) "You'll be fine. Really. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I have some sulking to do."  
  
Raoul : (Cautiously) "You know, they say misery loves company ..."  
  
Erik : "Yeah, well my misery prefers to be left alone to wallow in its own self-pity, but thanks just the same."  
  
Raoul : (Trying a different approach) "I'm sure you know a lot about running an Opera house."  
  
Erik : "I know a lot about a lot of things, Junior. What does that have anything to do with ..." (It dawns on him) "Waaaaiiiiiit just a minute there, you're not suggesting that I -" (Raoul looks hopeful) "You mean ... You want us to try and manage this Opera house ..." (Swallows and makes a face) "... Together!? But I thought we hated each other with the white-hot passion of a thousand Arabian suns!"  
  
Raoul : "Do you remember why we decided to despise one another for all eternity?"  
  
Erik : "Well of course! Just how dumb do you think I am? We were both rivals ... for ... Christine ..." (Blinking) "Oh ..."  
  
Raoul : (Happily) "See? Now we can be friends, just like Christine said!"  
  
Erik : "Damn, the crafty little wench was right! I hate it when she's right!"  
  
Raoul : (Grabbing Erik around the waist) "I always wanted a brother!"  
  
Erik : (Horrified) "You did have a brother, you moron, but then I accidentally killed him!" (Struggles to free himself from Raoul's iron grip) "I can't believe that after all these months of plotting and hatred and jealously, AND the numerous death threats and attempts on my life, you want to just put all that aside and suddenly become FRIENDS!? How in the world does that work!? I mean, a person would literally have to have the intelligence quotient of, say, a kumquat to be able to ..." (Stares down at Raoul, who is still hugging him and not paying the slightest bit of attention to what he is saying) *sigh* "Why am I wasting my breath?" (Prys Raoul loose and sits him down on the divan) "Look, as tempting as your offer may sound, I'm afraid I can't accept it."  
  
Raoul : "Why not!?"  
  
Erik : "Because I still hate you." (Raoul, surprisingly, does not burst into a fresh round of tears.)  
  
Raoul : (Thoughtfully) "You know, in any other business, that would probably be a problem. But this is show business we're talking about! People work with people they hate all the time! Don't you know why they call it Drama?"  
  
Erik : "So ... Technically, if we were to work together, I wouldn't have to be nice to you?"  
  
Raoul : "Nope."  
  
Erik : "And I would have the opportunity to run this place without worrying about any disobeying managers or troublesome patrons?"  
  
Raoul : "Yup."  
  
Erik : (Suspiciously) "Can I pick the shows?"  
  
Raoul : *shrugs* "Sure."  
  
Erik : "Can I have my own office?"  
  
Raoul : "Mmm ... We'll talk."  
  
Erik : "But wait. Being the manager means that you have to talk to a whole lotta people and throw extravagent galas and hob-nob with those boring high- society bourgeouise ..."  
  
Raoul : "I know! Isn't that cool?"  
  
Erik : "Well duh, it's cool for you. That's really the only thing you're good at. But, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly a "people person," for obvious reasons. I don't really like doing all that stuff."  
  
Raoul : (Nods his head knowingly) "Oh, because of the mask."  
  
Erik : "Nothing gets by you."  
  
Raoul : "Not to worry, amigo! I've got it all figured out! Since you're the brainy one, you can handle all the smart, business-y stuff. Ya know, pick the shows, renew contracts, handle the moolah, yada yada. And since I have the people skills, I'll deal with all the galas and publicity and press related-stuff!"  
  
Erik : (Stunned) "That may be the first remotely intelligent thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth. Looks like being in my body actually did you some good."  
  
Raoul : "Er, let's not get carried away ..." (A pause)  
  
Erik : "So ... Now what do you wanna do?"  
  
Raoul : "Ooh, let's go TP Nadir's front yard!"  
  
Erik : "Yeah! I've got some toilet paper that I keep stashed up in the flies for just such an emergency."  
  
Raoul : "Ya know, Erik, I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship."  
  
Erik : "Er, let's not get carried away ..."  
  
THE END! 


End file.
